Have any of you attempted suicide?

[Donna]

I attempted suicide 2 times and would just like to hear from any of you about how you feel now about the attempts and how you deal with the guilt associated with that particular stigma, along with dealing with bipolar

[TeachBaby]

Donna, I've been suicidal with definite plans twice, one recently. I am so glad I didn't do it! Within days of my lowest point, I was better, back in touch with the love of my family, and hopeful about the future. I think when we are suicidal, we are way too sick to think clearly. Death seems like an attractive answer to a life that is so painful we feel as if we need a way out. And I don't know about you, but I truly thought my family would thank me because they didn't need to be burdened by such a messed-up person as I was. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I've been hospitalized twice for major depression and out of control mania. Each time, I was at the end of my rope. Here's the way I think of it. I feel no guilt over being seriously suicidal, and I don't think I would if I tried and lived. The reason? Because at that point, I was really sick. Nobody would blame someone really sick with cancer or rheumatoid arthritis, or ALS for having negative thoughts about life and even wishing for an end to it all. Our illness is physical and deserves at least as much respect. As for the stigma, I think the best way to fight it is to stand proudly when we can and educate others if we're up to it. People really can't beat us down if we don't let them. If they refuse to be educated, if they insist we're totally responsible for the behavior they find so scary, then they have more problems than we do. We can always walk away. I don't know if this has helped at all, but I'll be thinking of you and hoping you're doing well. You aren't alone!

[Donna]

Thank you so much for the kind response to my question. You are right, bipolar is an illness like any other, and needs to be looked at it like that. And you are right, I was SICK when I attempted both times. I am still sick, but I have learned over the years how to manage my illness to the best of my ability. I definitely have my ups and downs, but I take my meds, keep my doctor appointments and look at myl 7 year olds beautiful face everyday and just thank God to be alive. I also do try to educate people which is a very difficult thing, but I am going to keep trying for myself and for all the others with mental illness. thank you again for the kind words

[dymphna]

tried @ 12 years. pills. no one noticed. played it off like i was just very sick.

tremendous guilt? i would be better, free. and everyone else would hurt. (i hope that doesnt sound arrogant, but a lot of people do really love me)

they want to see me better, not dead. thats why i still fight this.

[Donna]

Thanks for sharing with me. I don't reallly have anyone who has actually went through with a suicide attempt, like myself. I often wish I could talk to someone about my feelings, maybe we can chat sometime.

[dymphna]

absolutely!

[Daisy]

When I was 9 I took a bunch of pills and went to bed thinking I'd never wake up. I also though that I might end up in hell for doing it. When I did wake up I though that maybe that was hell because that's how my life felt some times. I don't recall feeling sorry or anything but I didn't try it again. Sometime around then my mom was going to kill herself because she didn't want to be the mom of such a disobedient daughter (me for forgetting to wash the dishes) but a brother got the knife away from her. In other words, mom's bipolar was really out of control and I always got the worst of it.

Suicide was just an option that I kept in my back pocket. If something happened that I couldn't deal with then I could always die. I think I learned it from all of those years with mom. But then...

About 5 years ago when I was severly depressed I couldn't hardly function. My memory was working, my cognitive abilities were shot, I slept for days and my old pdoc got my disability killed because I wouldn't commit myself. I went into the bathroom and took a a bunch of pills. Then my manager called and reminded me that I had 5 weeks vacation to work things out and things would be OK. So I didn't take the rest of the pills. Fortunately for more than one reason. I had never checked to see how those pills kill you. I was in a desperate state and I knew that they could kill me. If I had taken the rest I would have ended up in the hospital for a couple of days dieing a very painful death with my family by my side. I would have been here to watch all of the pain that I was causing them and it would have been to late to change my mind.

Even after this I kept a stash of pills. Suicide was what I kept in my back pocket. Then about 1 1/2 years ago there was a flood and I learned to really trust in God and when I believed that God would really do what he says He will do, I don't need suicide in the back pocket anymore so I got rid of the stash of pills.

BTW. I probably feel more guilty about the eating disorder than I do the suicide attempts.

[Donna]

Thank you for sharing y o ur story, I really appreciate it.

[Annie Jones-Pehleman]

I've attempted suicide more times than I can count. Most of the time I'm not actively suicidal but I wouldn't fight if God called me home. I have severe depression and fibromyalgia on top of my bipolar. It's tough. But yesterday my boss gave me some real encouragement. He knows about my mental health. Heck, I'm surprised he's still encouraging me to apply for a cool opportunity coming up. I send him crazy emails all the time. The latest was about a co-worker thinking I have a crush on him. I digress. I was suicidal thinking I'd blown the best job ever. And my boss was supportive. Life's like that. I want to jump off the planet and then something cool happens.

My grandmother committed suicide and no one has ever forgiven her. Maybe that's a reason I don't. But my doctor felt he had to talk me into hospitalizing myself 2 years ago and it helped.

Some days I wake up amazed that I have. I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm no longer alone.

[Donna]

I'm glad I'm not alone, too. Thanks for sharing your story